I had a dream the other night that the Department of Game and Fish was run by bears.
The wardens in their uniforms looked more like Smokey Bear than Yogi, and the way they handled encounters between bears and people seemed reasonable to me.
When a homeowner kept his pet food on the patio or failed to take in a bird feeder or left the garbage can out on the street overnight and it attracted a bear, the Game and Fish wardens shooed the bear away and shot the homeowner with a tranquilizer dart.
After he passed out, they invited the news media over to look at the man lying there on a tarp with his tongue hanging out and to take pictures of his long, untrimmed toenails. Then they threw him in a cage in the back of a truck and drove him out to Mount Taylor. When he awoke, they released him and he bounded groggily into the forest.
It would be a long time before that guy was back in Albuquerque terrorizing wildlife and wasting Game and Fish’s time.
I had another dream that the Albuquerque Police Department was run by randy rabbits rockin’ smokin’ bods.
Or maybe I just fell asleep on the couch and woke up when the 10 o’clock news came on.
APD Chief Ray Schultz tried to shed some light on his frisky force – exposed in testimony during the trial at which former officer Levi Chavez was acquitted of murder charges – in an interview with KOB’s Tom Joles.
Before Schultz pointed it out, I had never noticed how completely, irresistibly sexy Albuquerque Police officers are and how practically inevitable it is that they get busy with one another regardless of rank or marital status.
“In law enforcement,” Schultz said, “uh, you’ve got young, good-looking folks that do this job. I mean that’s our target group of employees – 20-, 30-, 40-year-old men and women. We ask them to stay in good shape. There’s nature at play.”
My stars. X-rated dreams at my age.
I had another dream that the governor called together all of the parties concerned about the horses – the ones alternately called “feral” and “wild” – populating Placitas and nearby Indian lands.
In my dream, she reached across party lines (pinch me, I am dreaming) and put her predecessor, Bill Richardson, in charge of peace talks. Richardson has negotiated with Saddam Hussein, Fidel Castro and Kim Jong Il, so he might stand a chance of bringing together the polarized parties in what has become one of the hottest controversies in New Mexico.
I had a dream, a nightmare actually, that candidates for Albuquerque mayor weighed in on exactly which week they thought it was OK for a woman unrelated to them to end an unwanted pregnancy.
The nightmare got worse: Special interest groups, like the one pushing a ban on ending pregnancies after 20 weeks and throwing abortion into the Albuquerque election, started to put more of these initiatives on the ballot. Before long, people were throwing all sorts of emotional issues on local and statewide ballots regardless of whether they made sense or were constitutional.
Can gays marry? Should Albuquerque be gun-free? Or should everyone be required to carry grenades? Should we limit families to two children? Require Christian prayer? Ban hats?
By the time I woke up, the nightmare had run its full course. We were living in California.