Dear Thelma: If someone is dominating the conversation at a dinner party, how do you politely get the conversation turned?
A: It is the host’s responsibility to make sure all guests enjoy themselves and to keep conversation flowing. That sometimes may require the host to cut off someone who has taken control of the conversation.
When a topic is exhausted, inappropriate, upsetting to someone or if too few of the other guests have knowledge or interest in it, it is perfectly acceptable for the host to step in.
To do so politely is important. You may try interjecting and inviting another guest to offer her opinion – “Let’s hear Irene’s opinion on that.” – with the hope that Irene takes the opportunity to steer the conversation in another direction. Humor and a light touch also can go far in keeping the poor conversationalist from feeling ill-treated.
The situation sometimes may require a more direct statement paired with another subject to keep the conversation flowing – “I think we may have exhausted this subject. And before the night’s over, I want to hear about Amanda’s trip to Italy.”
I’ve been to parties with chronic conversation hogs, who I find it hard to believe don’t know they’re guilty of this impoliteness. Afterward people say, “Can’t we do something about that?” As a group we’ve decided to take them on and work together to steer the conversation elsewhere. The saddest thing I’ve found is that they may not be invited back because they’ve made parties so uncomfortable.
We can all stand to improve our conversation skills. Before attending a party or event, think about what a good conversationalist does. She can talk about a broad range of subjects and shows sincere interest in other people and their pursuits and pastimes. He can sense when he is boring people by their glassy stares and fidgeting feet and is quick to change the subject or launch the ball into another’s court.
Dear Thelma: At a dinner out recently I ordered a delicious gumbo. My problem was the huge shrimp included in the dish. They were too big to eat in one bite and hard to cut in the slippery bowl of gumbo. So, I spooned them out onto my bread plate, cut them up and put them back into the bowl. This didn’t feel quite right. What should I have done?
A: Your best option would have been to pierce the shrimp all the way through with your fork to steady it, and then cut it with your knife, one bite at a time. This may have been difficult at the bottom of a bowl of dark stew, but I think you could have done it. You then could alternate between your fork and spoon to scoop up the broth and vegetables.
It sounds quite possible that you didn’t have the correct silverware for the task. If you were not given a knife and fork, or if your fork was taken away with your salad, it would have been perfectly acceptable to ask the waiter for the utensils you needed.
While eating, use the plate under your bowl to place the utensils you are not using at the time. When you are completely finished, put all the utensils on the plate. You had no plate? Keep them all in the bowl or on a bread plate. After the silverware is taken up from the table it never returns.
When faced with conversation and culinary challenges, good manners never go out of style.
Agree or disagree with Thelma’s advice? Post your comments or ask a question about etiquette at thelmadomenici.com. Thelma Domenici is CEO of Thelma Domenici & Associates, offering corporate coaching and contemporary social skills development programs to all ages.
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