Have a question? Just ask a liberal

I get a lot of mail. I print out my favorites, fold them carefully and keep them in my sock drawer, like lovely little Valentines.

“I read most of your article this morning but honestly couldn’t get through it all.”

“Although I sometimes have a difficult time understanding your reasoning and decision making abilities, this is America and I believe everyone has the right to an opinion.”

“Your article is classic tiresome knee-jerk liberal pap, of course, as expected.”

While most of these missives make reference to my deficiencies between the ears, many also repeat the “knee-jerk liberal” aspersion. “Damn lib.” “Lying liberal.” “Comrade.”

Well, thank you kindly.

In honor of the widespread acknowledgement of my commie credentials, and in recognition of all the misinformation and confusion out there in the world, today I debut a new feature that I’ll bring out from time to time to help you all understand the issues of the day.

I call it “Ask a Liberal.”

The mail is already trickling in.

Dear Liberal,

I saw that Sarah, the orangutan at the Rio Grande Zoo, is pregnant and that she was on birth control. Why do you liberals think it’s OK for my tax dollars to fund recreational sex in the monkey cage?

Dear Going Ape: Even liberals are concerned about what’s going on among the orangutans at the zoo. Of course, we’re happy that Sarah had unfettered access to birth control, but we also want to be assured that she was fully informed of all of her options once she conceived because we respect an ape woman’s right to choose. And when that hairy little, long-armed baby is born we’ll be watching to make sure mother and child have full access to taxpayer funded medical care.

Dear Liberal:

You and your allegedly skeet-shooting socialist president continually refer to AR-15s, the Bushmaster .223 and other long guns as “assault weapons” even though my NRA handbook says they’re not. Why don’t you morons actually learn about guns? Then you might have a chance to write it right.

Dear Semantics:

If liberal pundits had a nickel for each time we’ve received a complaint about our usage of gun terms, we could fund our afternoon latte habits for eternity. We use the term “assault weapon” or “assault-style weapon” to differentiate a big crazy SWAT-style gun from something you might use for rabbit hunting or the nice little automatics grannies like to tuck in their handbags when they go to IHOP. Please continue to send us letters pointing out our errors, and be kind enough to tuck a nickel in each one.

Dear Liberal:

Would you happen to know what State Rep. Nora Espinoza keeps under that hat?

Dear Wondering: No, but I doubt the lady from Roswell, who often rocks a jaunty hat, keeps a copy of Article VI of the U.S. Constitution tucked under her chapeau. Espinoza has dropped one of the nuttiest bills of this Legislative session. It would arrest police officers if they tried to enforce federal gun laws in New Mexico. (It’s also possible she has a copy of the Constitution’s Second Amendment stored up there, but we liberals don’t like to mention that one.)

Dear Liberal:

I saw that the Boy Scouts of America are actually going to consider lifting their ban on gay Scout leaders and members. Is there any American institution you won’t try to ruin?

Dear Straight Guy:

We are excited about a possible change at BSA and thank you for asking. I don’t want to give away too much of the Official Liberal Playbook, but you might want to keep an eye on apple pie recipes. I’ve heard rumors of a campaign to add Mexican spices and curry.

That’s all “Ask A Liberal” has room for today. Keep your questions coming and have an equitable, fair, diverse and tolerant day.

UpFront is a daily front-page news and opinion column. Comment directly to Leslie at 823-3914 or llinthicum@abqjournal.com. Go to www.abqjournal.com/letters/new to submit a letter to the editor.