By Andrea Joseph
Retired Attorney
The New Mexico House passed a domestic partnership bill last week that would give legal protections to same-sex couples who cannot marry and opposite-sex couples who choose not to marry.
These protections are vital to families, especially in times of crisis, and I applaud the House for taking a stand to protect more families in our state. I urge the Senate to do the same when it takes up the bill.
Tragically, my partner of 13 years, Dee, died of a heart attack Dec. 22 at the age of 51. Had this bill been passed prior to her death it would have helped my family immensely during this emotional time.
Dee's death was sudden and unexpected. We were in Cancun, Mexico, for a vacation we had been looking forward to for months. After exploring one of the regions famous underwater caves and lagoons, Dee began to have trouble catching her breath. Minutes later, she collapsed in my arms, telling me she loved me.
I remember assuring her that everything would be OK, but it wasn't. She was dead before the paramedics arrived.
Since that moment, every day has been a struggle. Dee was my partner and the love of my life. She and I lived together for 13 years. We had an interdenominational commitment ceremony in 1998 in Santa Fe. Together we helped raise Dee's son from a previous marriage. We were so proud of the man he was becoming.
Throughout the lives we shared, we made many compromises for eachother, but each compromise strengthened our commitment. Dee stuck by me when I changed careers, closing my law office to return to school to obtain an equine specialty certification. I supported her when she decided to go back to school to study social work. Dee was to obtain her masters degree in social work in May of this year, and we had hoped to open an equine assisted therapy facility together. We had a true partnership, forged by deep commitment and love.
When we heard that a domestic partnership bill would be introduced in the legislature, Dee and I were excited and hopeful. In our hearts, we'd been married for years, but the state of New Mexico didn't see it that way.
Protections like hospital visitation, medical decision-making, health insurance for spouses and joint property ownership— which come automatically with marriage— were denied to us because we were of the same sex. And like so many couples like us, we were denied the dignity of having our relationship recognized by our state and federal government.
That really hit home when Dee died. I was told I could not authorize the return of her body to New Mexico because I was not considered next of kin. Right after our 19-year-old son learned of his mother's death, he was forced to jump through a number of hoops to claim her body.
Since the federal government looks to the states to determine kinship, a New Mexico domestic partnership would have allowed me to take care of this and spare our son this burden. I cannot express the feelings I had when I was told I was not "next of kin" to the woman who was my partner for 13 years, and that our son would have to take care of legal paperwork during the worst hours of his life.
Dee and I were fortunate to have had wills and powers of attorney drawn up to make sure neither of us would be left in the cold in the event of the other's death. I do not know how I would have fared if we didn't have these documents in place.
Still, as grateful as I am for them, these documents are not a fair substitute for domestic partnership. They can be expensive and time consuming to draft correctly, and they almost always require the help of an outside lawyer. Many of us simply can't afford lawyers to help secure our relationships. Unfortunately, many of us who can afford the expense don't want to think about death and put off executing wills and other legal documents, just like opposite-sex couples.
Like Dee and I, there are thousands of same-sex couples in New Mexico who have made lasting commitments and have taken on the responsibility of caring for each other. Opposite-sex couples, through marriage, are guaranteed a comprehensive system of legal protections to help protect their families. Same-sex couples are simply asking for the same legal protections to help protect ours.
But domestic partnership is about more than just protections, it's about treating people who love each other, and who commit themselves to one another, fairly under the law. In the wake of Dee's death, I realize there's nothing more important than that.
She never had the chance to see our elected representatives acknowledge that committed same-sex couples are not legal strangers and that we deserve legal recognition for our relationships. We never got a chance to celebrate this important moment together.
The bill is now in the Senate, which has a chance to do the right thing and recognize our committed relationships with comprehensive protections. I urge them to vote for the bill on behalf of my beloved Dee and myself.
Andrea Joseph is a retired attorney and a professor at New Mexico State University in Las Cruces.
opinion 
E-mail Story
Print Friendly
