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Sunday, March 7, 2004

Go-To-Work Mom, Stay-At-Home Dad

By Jane Mahoney
For the Journal
    In the early 1970s when Judy Syfers was writing "Why I Want A Wife" for "Ms. Magazine," Kay Giles was a young feminist enjoying women's studies classes at the University of Nebraska. Studying for a career that eventually led her to Albuquerque Public Schools as a social worker, she had few plans for marriage or children until she met Jimmy Petitt, the single father of a young daughter.
    "He was such a good dad, it made me want to have kids," she said. "I just didn't want to do it all by myself or give up having a career."
    The couple's 28-year marriage has thrived on the flexibility of its partners and their willingness to embrace nontraditional roles. Giles has been the family's primary wage earner, while Petitt became an early stay-at-home father, raising a family that eventually included three children. He cooked meals, she baked occasionally. They shared housekeeping, and Petitt oversaw a large garden and farm animals.
    "It was a conscious choice. We both felt comfortable in those roles," said Giles. "And it meshed well with our lifestyle. I was committed to a career, while Jimmy is artistic and enjoys freelance work, and was devoted to raising the children.
    "He did a lot of the traditional nurturing in our marriage," she said.
    "He was the one who would bring me a cup of tea or encourage me to relax. On the weekends, he was often the one that got us out of the house to do things."
    Giles has pondered how women can choose nontraditional lifestyles within a partnership, but accomplish it in a way that does not devalue the roles of mother and wife. Her career as a social worker has only reinforced her belief in the importance of devoted parents in the home.
    "We have to recognize how valuable the role of motherhood is, but there must be options for women as well," she said.
    A successful division of labor and nurturing within a marriage, Giles says, basically boils down to "whatever works." And flexibility and change can be the secret to a lasting, happy partnership.
    Giles says her marriage is still evolving, particularly since her retirement from APS last spring. With kids all grown, Petitt has taken on management of a community-supported farm, and is now working full time much of the year.
    Giles is now at home, reveling in cooking and other "domestic" chores she opted out of years ago.
    And together, the two make time for trips to visit children and grandkids. They camp and ride bikes together. They've learned how to mesh different approaches to life— she the planner and he the adventurer.
    "We live in a world of change," commented Gail Houston, director of the University of New Mexico's women studies department. "There's a great need to be flexible in relationships— day to day and year to year. Marriages thrive with the ability to change."