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Sunday, December 2, 2001
Families Opt for Adoptions That Embrace Birth Mom
By Tracy Dingmann
Journal Staff Writer
Four year-old Jordan Drexel knows that Pam Riley and Mark Drexel are his parents, but he also knows that he came out of Christina Smith's tummy.
Riley and Drexel attended Jordan's birth, and now they are raising him in an open adoption that includes regular visits from Smith.
"None of us thought that it would end up this open," said Smith. "I thought I might get some pictures every couple of years or something."
The triad works so well because Smith, 28, has her life together and has always been "very emotionally clear" about her decision to give Jordan up, said Riley.
"After he was born she told us, 'This is your son, and I want you to name him,' " said Riley.
"I completely trust Mark and Pam," said Smith. "I would want to raise Jordan just like they are doing. If I had any doubts, I wouldn't have agreed to the adoption."
The dark-haired little boy plays easily with his birth-mom, and pictures of Jordan with Smith and his parents hold places of honor at his home and school.
"There are always new levels of intimacy that just blow your mind," said Drexel, showing off a picture of Jordan as ring bearer at Smith's recent wedding.
"I spend almost every holiday here, except Mother's Day," said Smith. "I want Pam to have that day and not have to share it."
Eliminating the fear
Jordan's parents are among the growing number of New Mexico families opting for open adoption, a process that involves varying degrees of contact between the adoptive parents, adoptive child and birth parents.
About 300 children are adopted each year in New Mexico, say Children, Youth and Families Department officials. Records aren't kept on how many of those adoptions are open, but over the years the practice has grown from extremely rare to quite common.
Proponents of open adoption say it makes for an emotionally healthier child and eliminates the secrecy and stigma that often mark closed adoption.
Vonda Cheshire, administrative director for Choices Adoption and Counseling Services in Albuquerque, says almost all of the 32 to 36 adoptions she handles each year are open. Adoptions with varying degrees of openness can be arranged through just about any adoption agency in New Mexico, said Cheshire.
Jordan's adoption was handled through Choices, and his parents' close, warm relationship with Smith is "at the far end of the open spectrum," said Cheshire. Some families who adopt through Choices limit their contact to personal visits a few times a year, she said.
The degree of openness is agreed upon by the birth parents and the adoptive parents during extensive counseling sessions before the adoption is completed, said Cheshire. At a minimum, four dates are chosen for yearly contact, with the birth parents in charge of initiating two visits and the adoptive parents the other two. It is also agreed that both parties will be open to periodic requests for information.
"It's basically a moral promise that they're not going to do anything less than that," said Cheshire.
Choices remains open to all parties indefinitely for future counseling and mediation, said Cheshire. Typical problems include maintaining reasonable boundaries and establishing consistent visitation schedules, she said.
Cheshire has been doing open adoptions in New Mexico since 1986, when Choices was called Triad and open adoption was considered "sort of a trend."
Cheshire says she became sold on open adoption after realizing how it eliminates the fear and uncertainty involved in closed adoption.
For example, birth parents can simply pick up the phone and ask how the child is doing. Adopted children don't have to wonder why they were given up or what their parents look like. And adoptive parents can resolve health questions about their children quickly and easily.
"There's no room for unreal fantasies to grow, because they're dealing with real information," said Cheshire.
Cheshire feels so strongly about the benefits of open adoptions that she will even arrange them when the birth parents are very young or have serious problems such as schizophrenia or drug abuse.
"They are much more structured arrangements, and the adoptive family and birth parents don't always meet directly. Any visits are supervised and strict rules are set," she said.
Cheshire's support of open adoption is echoed by adoption activist Barbara Free of Albuquerque.
Free is a member of the local group Operation Identity, one of the nation's first support groups for the "triad" of adoptive parents, birth parents and adoptive children. A therapist, Free got involved in adoption issues in 1996 after searching for and finding a son she relinquished at birth 35 years ago.
"Open adoption eliminates the grief, loss and trauma that accompanies closed adoptions," said Free, who is conducting a research study and writing a book about closed adoption. "Closed adoptions come out of a culture of shame for everyone involved. In open adoptions, there are no secrets, and the child can grow up knowing both his or her families."
Coming together
Four-year-old Dakota Willis knows both her families. There's mom and dad, Susan and Dave Willis, and her birth mom, Shontea Box Wetherill. The sweet little girl with the green eyes and curly blond hair gets visits from Wetherill and a large complement of Wetherill's family about every other month.
The Willises adopted Dakota at five months through Choices.
Arranging frequent visits with Dakota's large birth family has been the biggest challenge so far, say the Willises.
"It's like we're an extended family, but we have no memories or experiences together. All we have is this beautiful child," said Susan Willis.
While it is hard sometimes to have to coordinate all the visits, it is a small sacrifice to make in order to provide such a positive thing for Dakota, say her parents.
Dakota knows she came from Wetherill's tummy but doesn't realize what that means, said Susan Willis. She doesn't call Wetherill her birth mom, but she loves her and thinks they're good friends. The Willises say they will explain more later, when she is old enough to understand.
For now, Dakota is simply benefiting from lots of love.
"Kids don't go bad from getting too much love," said Susan Willis. "There isn't a child in this world who gets loved too much."