Front Page  sage

Monday, April 7, 2003

How To Avoid Getting Into An Abusive Relationship

By Polly Summar
Of the Journal
    1. Know that it can start when a man comes on like "Prince Charming."
    Lynne Ortiz, a social worker with Desert Pathways who teaches some of the empowerment courses at the Albuquerque Women's Resource Center, reflects on the abusive relationship she was in: "I only saw him on weekends because we lived in different towns and he was completely charming. He really pushed me to get serious sooner than I normally would have because of that. His courtship and wanting to marry me so soon all seemed very gallant."
    Ortiz says that she let herself be rushed into a serious relationship much sooner than she normally would have. Now she cautions women to be wary of going against their common sense.
    2. Know that you are not immune just because you are older or because you never experienced verbal or physical abuse in your family of origin or in a previous relationship.
    "I had never been in an abusive relationship," says Ortiz. I thought I would have seen something. Now I realize the red flags were there, but I ignored them."
    3. Know that it can start with verbal abuse. In fact, most domestic violence starts with verbal insults, say the experts, as in "You're wearing that?" If those verbal insults escalate, know that verbal abuse is not normal in a happy relationship.
    Rosemarie Smith Fritz, the executive director of the Albuquerque Women's Resource Center, says she always asks women this question: "How would you feel if your mother were treated this way, or your sister, friend or daughter?" Fritz says most women wouldn't stand for verbal insults in regard to other people, but they'll sometimes put up with it for themselves.
    She compared it to the parable about the frog who will jump out of boiling water, but if the boiling water is added gradually, the frog will stay in the water until it's dead. "Sometimes women can't see that their relationship is becoming unbearable, but they see it in someone's else's."
    4. Know that once you become sexually intimate, objectivity goes out the window.
    In other words, Fritz says, the decision to become sexually intimate is not just a personal or religious decision. It can make a woman "dumber" about trusting her instincts.