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Friday, February 14, 2003

Cupid's Survival Guide

By Leanne Potts
Of the Journal
    Valentine's Day should be so simple, so sweet.
    After all, it's about hearts and candlelit dinners and boxes of candy. But beneath the sentiment lurks a holiday that's even more of an emotional minefield than Christmas.
    Expectations run as high as the clouds on Valentine's Day. We expect romantic love — perhaps the most temporal and ineffable of emotions — to be made concrete on this day.
    If we don't get the proof of Eros' existence for which we had hoped, things get ugly.
    I once had a co-worker who broke up with her boyfriend because he had the audacity to send her two dozen roses for Valentine's Day.
    "How boring," she sniffed. "How utterly predictable. Everybody sends roses. Couldn't he think of anything more imaginative than that? I mean, we've been dating almost two years and that's the best he can do?"
    Then there was the boyfriend I once had who gave me absolutely nothing for Valentine's Day. Nada. Not even a piece of paper with a heart drawn on it.
    "I figured you didn't go in for that silly stuff," he told me the next day. "Valentine's Day is such a greeting-card holiday."
    I was crushed. Of course I loathed flowers and Mylar balloons with cupids on them, and yes, I thought Valentine's Day was for silly insecure people who needed shallow Hallmark-produced demonstrations of love. But I still wanted him to do something. He should have given me a gift that mocked the holiday's sappy sentiment — a heart-shaped pancake or a big plastic ring from a gumball machine.
    Don't you love and understand me at all?
    There. That's the question your sweetie will be asking today. He or she will glean the answer from the way you choose to mark Valentine's Day.
    No pressure there.
    To help you out, we've put together a small list of ideas, organized by degree of relationship.
No relationship
    —  So you don't have anyone to celebrate Valetine's Day with? No problem. Buy a date at the Parents Without Partners Bachelor Auction and Valentine's Day Dance at the Albuquerque Convention Center, 401 Second NW.
    Don't be embarrassed; Donald Trump has been buying dates for years. Fifteen men will be sold to the highest bidder; after the auction you can dance with your purchase until 1 a.m. Cost: $10. Preview the wares at www.pwpnm.com. It's in the Brazos Room from 8 p.m.-1 a.m. Info, 797-5437.
    —  Sorry, guys, there are no bachelorette auctions scheduled. But there's always T.D.'s Showclub, 2120 Eubank NE, 6001 Brentwood Lane NE, where a dollar can buy you a Valentine's friend for a minute or so.
    —  Who needs a significant other? Give yourself a Valentine's Day gift. Betty's Bath & Day Spa, 1835 Candelaria NW, has a "Love Thyself" package that includes a 30-minute facial, a 30-minute massage and tub and sauna time for $70. Appointments, 341-3456.
New relationship
    You're still getting to know one another, so activities that encourage expository conversations are desirable.
    —  The classic toy exhibit "Kid Stuff: Great Toys From Our Childhood" at the Albuquerque Museum, 2000 Mountain NW, will let you swap childhood memories about Mr. Potato Head, Magic "8" Balls and Etch-A-Sketches. You can tell volumes about someone by finding out which View-Master disc was his or her favorite; stay away from anyone who liked the Disneyland one. It was just an advertisement! Couldn't they see that at 6? Info, 242-4600.
    —  There's a full moon Sunday night. Give your love a "mooncheck" for a Full Moon Walk at the Rio Grande Nature Center, 2901 Candelaria NW. A guided 60-minute walk through the moonlight-washed bosque begins at 7 p.m. Add dinner afterward and it's a date. Info, 344-7240.
    —  A non-naked hot tub soak with other people present is a nonthreatening interlude for the early stages of a romance. Plus, giggling at other people's cellulite breaks the ice. Betty's Bath and Day Spa, 1835 Candelaria NW, has a public, co-ed tub that requires swimsuits (but not reservations) and costs $11 a person for an unlimited amount of time. Info, 341-3456.
Getting cozy
    You're at the toughest stage of a romance. The future of your relationship is unclear, so your gift will be interpreted as a signal of where you want this to go. Too intimate a gift will pressure; too impersonal will push away. Good luck.
    —  Get a massage together. Serenity Garden Day Spa, 3824 Corrales Road, is offering a 50-minute candlelit massage for two followed by champagne, snacks and a gift bag of spa goods for $180. Reservations, 898-4772.
    —  Candlelit dinners are clichéd, but they work. Prairie Star Restaurant, Jemez Dam Road, Bernalillo, is offering a special four-course Valentine's Day dinner. Cost is $50 a person. Eat lavishly, hold hands and watch the Sandias turn pink. Reservations, 867-3327.
Long-term relationship
    You don't have quite as much to prove today, but don't skip this chance to show your sweetie she/he still puts the lead in your pencil.
    —  Pretend you're in Scottsdale without leaving the Albuquerque metro area. Spend a night with your paramour at the elegant Hyatt Tamaya Resort, 1300 Tuyuna Trail at Santa Ana Pueblo. The hotel is offering Valentine's Day packages that include accommodations and dinner for two that start at $255. Reservations, 867-1234.
    —  Nothing screams "indulgent, romantic escape" like a day at Ten Thousand Waves, 3451 Hyde Park Road, the super-elegant day spa near the Santa Fe ski area. The sexiest soak there is the Ichiban, a private outdoor tub with its own bed-equipped cooling room. (I'm guessing temperatures in that room rise, not fall.) Cost: $23 a person for 55 minutes. Plus, the 75-minute drive will give you time to talk. Reservations, (505) 982-9304.
In a relationship you want to weasel out of
    Breaking up is hard to do; Valentine's Day can be an opportunity to put a dying romance out of your misery. If you're too afraid of confrontation to say "I want to break up," just choose a gift or gesture that is totally inappropriate.
    —  Nothing washes romantic goo from an evening like an intense play about a disillusioned Irish furniture salesman and his polio-ridden daughter. The drama is the critically acclaimed "Bedbound." A New York Times reviewer called it an "end-of-the-road portrait of bruised souls in limbo" where the characters' words "spew and sputter out of them like blood from a freshly opened vein." How romantic.
    It's playing at 8 p.m. today and Saturday, 2 p.m. Sunday at The Cell Theater, 700 First NW. Tickets $22. Reservations, info 766-9412.
    —  Guys, take her to the Monster Truck Jam at Tingley Coliseum for Valentine's Day and you will never, ever hear from her again. Shows at 8 p.m. today and Saturday, 2 p.m. Sunday. Tickets $15 and $20. Info, 265-1791. Tickets, 883-7800 or Ticketmaster outlets.
    —  Equally effective: Take her to any Adam Sandler movie. "Eight Crazy Nights" is playing at Movies 8, 4591 San Mateo NE, tickets $2. Gals: "Sweet Home Alabama" will send him screaming out of your life. It's out on DVD and video and available at your local movie rental store.