Saturday, January 15, 2000
The Truth Leaks Out
By Martin Frentzel
For the Journal
Watching the tileman spread mortar on the floor and lay Italian tile six square feet at a time made me feel a little guilty. His T-shirt was soaked with sweat, his pants gray with grout dust -- and I was, well, clean.
I often have wished I had the ability to do these manly chores, these home improvement projects but, alas, I am no Tim the Toolman.
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CAROL COOPERRIDER/JOURNAL | |
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I hate these do-it-yourself tasks because, frankly, nothing ever goes together smoothly, contrary to everything you read on the packaging designed to convince you that putting stucco on a house or grouting a shower is just a snap.
When the tileman finished, however, I had an opportunity to give home repair one more try. He had promised to return the toilet to its original place on the floor once the tile job was done, but there it sat in the garage.
He had just sweated through 490 square feet of Italian clay and 75 pounds of grout. We couldn't ask him to come back and deal with the toilet. I was sure I could handle it.
Check your DNA
There are many reasons to replace a toilet besides new flooring. If you buy a new model designed to reduce water usage, for example, you will not only feel good about yourself and your efforts to save the Rio Grande silvery minnow with every flush, you also can receive a rebate from city government. And, of course, if your old toilet leaks or no longer matches the decor of your bathroom, then certainly you might consider replacing it.
But if you are doing this to prove to yourself that you really do have a handyman gene lurking within your DNA, just forget it. I already can tell you everything that will go wrong. The first time I tried to reposition our old toilet in the bathroom, I noticed that the hard-plastic gizmo -- I now know it's called a flange -- upon which our throne sits was, well, broken.
Afraid of doing more damage, I figured I would leave it in place and only replace the T-bolt on the undamaged side. After doing that, I mounted the wax ring (more on this later) to the toilet, set it in place a couple of times, clamped the tank onto the bowl, reattached the water supply, and presto, it leaked.
Check the spud gasket
Where could I have gone wrong? It's a pretty simple system, right? Bolt it to the floor, bolt the tank to the bowl, as the instructions always say, DO NOT OVER TIGHTEN the water supply line. I did all that. But it leaked, which meant it was time to take it apart once again and re-examine all the old parts.
This time, it looked as if maybe I needed to replace the worn spud gasket, which nestles nicely between the tank and the bowl. No problem, the closest home-repair mega-mall sold Tank-to-Bowl Repair Kits for something like $7 or $8. The instructions made it almost look simple: Set the spud gasket properly (no further explanation); attach tank to bowl with hex nut, metal lock rings (missing), metal washer, rubber washer, DO NOT OVER TIGHTEN.
Trust me, I can not over tighten.
So only a few dollars lighter in the wallet, I sallied forth prepared for the battle of the bowl one more time. However, I have to admit the strange look I got from the salesman in the plumbing department when I mentioned the broken flange did haunt me on the drive to the never-ending-job site we call home.
But hey, if this worked, at least I didn't have to go all the way back to ground zero and mess with the dreaded flange again. So, crescent wrench in hand, I replaced the spud gasket, returned the tank to the bowl, did not over tighten the water supply and turned on the water one more time. Voila!
It leaked. Not a lot, but that bead of water around the base of the toilet was too much for a new tile floor.
Fortunately, it was time to go to a birthday party, so I shut off the water supply to the toilet, took a shower and drove off to eat cake. Tomorrow, another day in toilet hell, would come soon enough.
The key
That night after the party, I looked at the situation closely, and found the water supply line was emitting a slight drip about every 40 seconds. Granted, that did not account for the seepage near the bottom of the tank, but this time I was determined to do it all correctly. We would start over, from the flange, and work our way up, and this time we would use ALL NEW PARTS, meaning it was time to buy a new toilet.
Early the next morning, I am back at home-fix-it mega-mall No. 1, trying to find the part needed to fix the flange. Of course, they are all out of spanner flanges, so I grab my free hot dog, which has cost me only $11 so far, and drive to purgatory, also known as home-repair mega-mall No. 2.
There is a nice guy named Al working there and after he helps me find the spanner flange, I get the courage to ask him for advice. "What's the secret to installing toilets?" I ask.
"Don't break the flange," he tells me.
This is why I try to never ask these do-it-yourself sales people for advice. They have the handyman gene in their DNA, they know you don't, and they gloat at every opportunity. But how can a mere man humiliate me any more than a toilet?
Determined to do everything right this time, I buy the Toilet Installation Kit, which includes another new wax ring, another new spud gasket with attached rubber washers (called a bowl gasket this time), new bowl-to-tank bolts, washers and nuts, and a new water-supply line and fittings; the new bowl with a 2-inch diameter outlet; the new 1.6-gallon tank, which would qualify me for a rebate if I did not live 60 feet from the city of Albuquerque; a 6-foot KEY so I can shut off the water at the street when it's time to replace the water supply system for the new toilet. We decided to pass on the Labrador retriever-with-a-dead-goose toilet seat.
The bill is about $130, but everyone knows education has a high price tag.
Grab the wax ring
Back home, I discover it's necessary to further destroy the old flange to get the spanner flange in place. No problem, I can break stuff. And then I find in my Toilet Installation Kit these neat little plastic washers that will hold the T-bolts in place (they are not mentioned in any of the instructions) while I position my second new wax ring on the bottom of the new ceramic toilet.
Everyone who has done this job can tell you about wax rings. Once you stick them on the toilet and then sandwich the toilet to the floor, you CANNOT PICK UP THE TOILET. Fine, but that also means you will need help positioning the toilet on the T-bolts while you lower it into place. Hopefully, your spouse will be speaking to you at this point because you will need his or her help to do this, or you will need a goodly supply of wax rings. Fortunately, they are cheap, roughly $2.50.
Once the toilet is in position, it's time to clamp it down. Here you have to pay close attention to the washers you will need to place on the T-bolts, because if you don't use the right ones, you may not be able to keep the cute little plastic bolt caps in place when your job is finished. Trust me, I know this the way Al knows he has the handyman gene.
With all new wax ring, bowl and T-bolts in place, I move on to the new tank. The new tank gasket fits nicely, but even when the tank is mounted on the bowl, the tank moves some. That is the way it is with new toilet tanks, there must be a reason for it other than irritating your significant other, but unless it prevents cracking the tank, I can't think of a reason.
So, now you put the inside-the-tank washers on the tank bolts and DO NOT OVER TIGHTEN. I am pretty sure that if you overtighten, you will crack the tank, and it will leak.
Ay caramba!
Next, it's time for the new water line, and lucky me, los Instrucciones de Instalacion are completely in Spanish. Soy tonto! I don't speak a word of Spanish. What do you suppose they mean by the llave, anillo de cera, or tornillo y aplique cinta Teflon?
Fortunately, there are pictures. It comes together, and it LEAKS. That is when I really lose control and tighten the damned pipes as tightly as I can. To hell with Not Over Tightening.
Funny thing is, the leaks stop.
There is no water dripping from the supply line, no water at the base of the bowl. All I have to do now is put on those silly little white T-bolt caps, drop on the tank lid, and pull the old parts out of the old tank, just in case the other toilet goes bad some day, and it will, because I do not have the handyman gene.
And by the way, those tiny little lines in the bottom of the old tank ARE cracks, and they LEAK. DO NOT OVER TIGHTEN.
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